Some say I’m a dreamer…

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My second last post ( I think) I was talking about finding the motivation to keep on writing, and now I struggle with possibly confronting reality.

My motivation has risen again but I find myself debating… with myself (bad writing) if my goals are realistic and if they can even be reached.

According to the internet there are over 60,000 blogs out there in the internet universe. That’s a massive number and a massive number of amazing articles. Some bloggers might dream of being famous, having their blog well known and having thousands of views a day which there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

My dreams? I want my blog to be very well known and to be a source of information and inspiration to thousands, if not millions but with over 60,000 blogs out there how is this even possible?

Writing this it may seem like I want to be better than those 60,000 and to be in competition which isn’t true. I want to collaborate and share other’s stories and articles to and be equally as good as them… if that makes sense.

But am I getting too ahead of myself? will this ever happen? will I just be dreaming too much again and expecting unrealistic outcomes? will this blog fail and will another dream just fade away?

Until next time.

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What’s with the name?

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“Nothings going to change my world. ”

What’s with the name?

Strange name isn’t it? where did it come from? doesn’t it sound a little depressing?

If you know me you’ll know I love old/ older music and “across the universe” is one of my most favorite Beatles songs. I heard a cover of this song one day and thought ” now that would be a name!”

When I was younger I wanted to be different to who I was, I wanted to be “normal.” I didn’t want to be picked on for being different, I didn’t want to be bullied anymore, I didn’t want to be socially awkward and mistaking social cues and I wanted things to stop being so loud and in my face.

Around 20th March last year I was officially diagnosed with Autism and that’s when it hit me, Autism will never go away, it’ll never change and I’ll in some way have to make peace with it.

I was told that when I was younger I was always off in my own little world, and in March last year I realized that nothing’s going to change my world.

You know, I’m now okay with that. I’ve come to peace with Autism and I feel like it’s come to peace with me. I will always be different and maybe sometimes I’ll come across those who tease me or call me out for being different. But that’s okay. It’s not perfect, but it’s okay. I’m me.

I’m weird, socially awkward, erratic mood individual and a little odd but I now won’t let anything change that. I chose this name as I accept Autism and Me. I write to share this with you and to share my life, stories and hopefully advice ( non-professional by the way) with you.

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P.S Any feedback on the blog and content? any words are welcome.

 

For fellow writers!

As of late I have been neglecting my mental health blog posts and have struggled to find topics to talk about. In order to help others who may be in a similar situation I have compiled a list of blog post ideas for mental health bloggers. Tell your story (your mental health, your journey, etc) […]

via 27 Mental Health Blog Post Ideas — Imperfect Beauty

Must.Keep.Going

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You’ve felt it, I’ve felt it… those un-motivated feels.

I’ve been pretty unrealistic in my goals and expected my blog to be in a better place ( more views etc) by now which has left me feeling underwhelmed. As it was pointed out to me I need to be more realistic and realize that things take time.

Still, finding the motivation to better my blog and to keep putting out content has been hard lately. The comments and views lately have been from Facebook blog commenting/ viewing threads which don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for their support but I feel I want more views from WordPress forums/ people finding this online.

To continue I know I need to draft topics out and return to writing helpful advice as that’s one of my main aims for my blog. I also need to structure things more. I ask of you- any advice to continue?  for example how to draft posts, get external views and find motivation?

For now, going to go source motivation. Trying not to give up!

Until Next Time.

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Is there anybody out there?

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This GIF though…

*POTENTIAL ANXIETY TRIGGER*

But seriously, down to business. Apparently Autistic people can be oblivious to what’s happening among their peers, or what’s around them .. or even what’s happening to themselves? ( this is what I’ve heard and I don’t know if opinion or not.)

Call me nerdy but I do pay attention to the news and current affairs (fake news or not, I don’t know) and holly heck am I terrified. You no doubt have heard about tensions with USA/ North Korea and about the Civil War in Syria and I am petrified about the prospect of what could happen. Nobody wins in war.

I don’t want to talk about Politics but I want to mention that the prospect of Nuclear War and/ or other potential devastation has caused me sleepless nights and sometimes hours of watching Nuclear War Movies (in particular the British movie Threads (1984) ) wide-eyed and breathless. Is this what the Cold War felt like? or worse? ( I wasn’t around then.)

I’ve had daydreams ( I daydream like crazy) of alarms going off and me stuck out in the open or alone at home frozen on the spot not knowing what to do. I dream that I face the prospect of never seeing my Family again and facing a nuclear wasteland alone. I dream of being in constant hysterics and wishing I was vaporized the minuet the dam bomb hit.

In regards to Syria I think of all the poor people caught in the devastation and daily horror and as selfish as this may seem I don’t wish to mention more about this as it could cause conflict.

But am I overthinking the whole situation and/ or dramatizing things? as I’m very good at that. Is my anxiety taking over and causing me to fixate on world situations? do I just need to relax and breathe? I don’t know but I beg for someone to tell me the answer.

Now, about myself. About two weeks ago I had a Psychiatrist appointment that I’d been waiting about three months for. This was to hopefully diagnose ADHD, which happened… but didn’t.

I have symptoms of ADHD but situations that happened to me as a Child may have caused the symptoms too. I am eligible for medication but I don’t fit the criteria for a Diagnosis, unless I seek further advice which would cost thousands.

Understandably I was frustrated as I was hoping for an answer. I’ve had the symptoms for as long as I can remember but did the events hype things up? can’t explain this properly but basically do I really know how I feel? am I an expert of my own mind or am I wrong about how I feel as sometimes I can’t process things?

Can somebody tell me? …. is there anybody out there?

Until next time.

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Why you say that!?

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Before I start ranting, I’ll admit when people state the following that they are most likely trying to help or provide some sort of comfort and support and/ or don’t understand Mental Illness which is fine… I guess.

But hands up if you’ve ever heard the following;

“It’s in your head!”

“You need to think happier thoughts/ stop thinking so negative!”

“Why are you depressed? you have great Friends/ a great life (further examples) so why are you depressed?”

” You don’t need to be anxious! just quit being so scared over it!”

“Think happier thoughts!”

” Just eat healthier and get more sleep/exercise. You’ll be better after.”

“Why do you need medication? it’s not necessary”

“Don’t be on medication for too long!”

“You can change your thinking, you just need to try harder.”

“Why are you so scared of (example?) it’s so silly! ”

I know there are heaps more things that have been said to me but I can’t think of them right now. Have you ever had these said to you? how did it make you feel?

Personally, these statements frustrate me to no end. I just want to scream when I hear them! Do you think I want to be anxious? do you think I want to be depressed even when yes I do have good Friends and that? Why are you frustrated if I’m on Medication for a long time? it helps me function better than I would off them so why does that bother you? you don’t think I’m already trying as hard as I can to change the way I think?

People do want to help as I said above and that I know, but statements like what I’ve listed to need to stop as it can make us feel worse, can increase our anger/ anxiety and other things. Please, if you do wish to help please just listen and if we ask for advice please give it. Sometimes, we just want someone to rant to and share our feelings with, we don’t want statements such as above. By the way if you’re one of those who wants to help people like us, thank you. You need a medal!

Sorry for such a short post. Attention span of a brick again.

Until Next Time!

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Ah, got to love being socially awkward…

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So, at a Friend’s house tonight the following happened;

–   At Friend’s and I state that it’s 7pm already (he needed to leave in a few hours..)

–  He says “I know how to make the time pass until then” giving a seedy “winky face”

–  I look blankly at him

–  He says ” we could play chess!” laughing

–  I say “I don’t know how to play chess”

–  He stops laughing at looks at me, defeated and lost.

–  “You.. completely lost the joke” he says with his head in his hands laughing.. again

–   I finally get the joke and start laughing, but by now the moment is over and we stop   laughing. We then sit in a awkward silence while I repeat “ah, my God.. dammit!”

I love having socially awkward moments like this (not really!)… but honestly a trait I have is having jokes and sarcasm sometimes fly over my head. This has created many laughs at my expense and many head shaking in disappointment at myself moments, all in humor of course. I do enjoy laughing at myself!

Have you ever had this happen to you? what’s your most socially awkward moments?

Until next time!

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